Why do I still have feelings for the person who hurt me?

If you still feel love, longing, loyalty, or attachment toward the person who harmed you, you may believe something is deeply wrong with you. Let this be clear from the start: nothing is wrong with you. This is one of the most misunderstood, and most human, responses to abuse.

This has a name: trauma bonding

Trauma bonding is a recognised psychological response. It is an emotional attachment that can form through cycles of harm followed by affection, kindness, or relief, the unpredictable mix of cruelty and care that many abusive relationships contain. The brain, seeking safety, latches onto the moments of relief, and a powerful bond forms that can be very hard to break, even when part of you knows the person hurt you.

It is especially common, and especially confusing, when the person who harmed you was someone you knew, loved, depended on, or trusted: a partner, a family member, a mentor, a friend.

The honest reasons survivors stay attached

Continuing to protect, defend, miss, or love someone who harmed you can come from many real places:

• Love and attachment don't simply switch off because someone hurt you
• Fear, of retaliation, of not being believed, of being alone
• Not wanting to "ruin their life" or break apart a family
• A power imbalance that made the relationship feel inescapable
• Denial as protection, because naming it fully means feeling it fully

Why this matters so much

This response is one of the most weaponised against survivors, used to discredit them, by others and by their own inner critic. "If it was really that bad, why did you stay? Why do you still care?" The answer is that attachment and harm can coexist, and the presence of love does not make the harm less real, or your experience less valid.

A gentle word on safety

If you are currently in a relationship or situation where you are being harmed, your safety matters most of all. Please consider reaching out to a domestic or family violence service, or the support lines at the foot of this page. You don't have to have it all figured out to ask for support.

And if the harm is in the past but the attachment lingers, know that untangling a trauma bond is real, recognised work, and it is possible. You are allowed to grieve a person and acknowledge they hurt you, at the same time. Both can be true.